Listen!

The early days of gray divorce can be quite dark. However, few women move along without missing  a beat; they continue to live well and learn to cherish the gifts they hold within and soon bloom large and have a life better than ever! Then there are those whose story is different. Regardless, there's ALWAYS hope.

Women of gray divorce must learn the secret to maneuvering about in the darkness of singleness they've never ever known before in order to find a treasure they've never had before.

It's hard enough to get people in general to believe in their great Creator but there are a host of us who do and lean on Him greatly for everything. However, in the darkest nights of singleness where you cannot see your own gifting anymore, where hope fails to dispel the heavy night and there is no more God to believe (so it seems), you heave in tears and forget that our Help dwells in the darkness where He knew all along you'd be found one day. There is where He (and his special guests Wisdom and Understanding) will speak and say things you could never hear in the light of your wellness... you know, when all things were good; the marriage was in tact, the house stood picturesque on a hill and your Cadillac took you hither and yon. Public transportation wasn't even a thought. Vacations. Shopping. Groceries a-plenty. It was daytime. Night couldn't find you. Oh, but it was looking! It was hidden in those darn divorce papers! As soon as your head sprouted the grey hairs of time and experience divorce crept in and snuffed out the light. And right there in the darkness they stood like straight back watchmen and waited... for you. The funny thing is you never saw them with your spiritual eye. They saw you, heard you, was prepared for you.

In distress there is often blindness, not just because your eyes are filled with tears, but when your hopes begin to float away, your belief system quakes and doubt tries its hand at pulling you toward artificial light; other gods. But there in your darkness truth, new direction and hope waits, but if you're not looking you remain unaware. See, when experiencing grey divorce it's a time to live by what you know for sure, NOT by what you see for now. If you know your God, you'll know He's closest to you because you are brokenhearted; he is most present in the darkness of your new life. A life you might not have seen coming, or you saw it and ignored it. When darkness comes it shudders the soul mostly because we cannot face it head-on. Our norm is not there. Our stability and all we knew for sure got swallowed up there and we can't tell if it'll ever come to us again. What we don't know and cannot see there in the darkness is all that is stored up for us and it only fits into our NEW life. Why? Because it's more than our eyes can behold. In the dark you must open your ears, your heart. Listen in the dark where God dwells. Some call Him the Great Spirit. Fine. Whatever, but listen. If you're cowed down, listen. If you're mournful and sick with grief, listen. There are instructions for life in the dark. Life isn't over. It's beginning again... on a new road, a new path but the directions are in the dark where realism of your Maker dwells.

Listening will save your future and your life.

Nhat Crawford,
Author of Single For The First Time, 2014

Nhatcrawford@gmail.com
 nhatsbooks-com.3dcartstores.com

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The Front Pew Princess Has Fallen, Too.

It doesn't cease to amaze me how many women in different areas of life are affected negatively by grey divorce. How someone ever thought to call it grey divorce is pretty cleaver; imagine that... two grey heads standing before a judge to dissolve their marriage of thirty-five years. It's a horror! However, out of all the categories, or areas in life and divorce, there is a sect of women--that are often over-looked--that are closest to my heart and interest. They are the women who have devoted their lives and sacrificed their dreams at the altar of the church as the wife of the church leader. Whether he is / was the pastor, the bishop, the overseer... whatever title he incurred while growing and climbing the church ladder, there she sat all dressed up and hatted down, faithful, patient, doting, and scantly honored alongside him. For some, however, the leader's wife made all the difference. The church leader could not lead without her. She was the administrator, lover, singer, teacher, lover, best friend, organizer, baby's mama, lover, confidante, cook, driver, stylist, lover, travel companion... you name it!

We grimace at separation and divorce "in the world" but we GASP! when the bishop's wife has had enough and takes a walk. We GASP! when the bishop trades in his wife for a new one. 
 We grieve rightly so. After all, as parishioners we have special love for the "first lady". We admire her and don't often consider her vulnerabilities, nor do we really know the whole story that unfolds within their walls. And, let's face it, some had special dislike for her, too! (That's a different blog or book altogether.)

It's time we stop gasping and start giving, consoling and reBUILDing these women who are likely in seclusion... wandering the proverbial streets looking for home... crawling about like a blind newborns. These women are queens without thrones; women who grew up on pedestals only to be cast from them, or at worst, have fallen off and died from the fall. In the church world they would call this death "back-slidden" meaning that these wonderful ladies no longer want anything to do with God or the church. This is more often UNtrue than true.

 It's just that her authority is muted by divorce. 

People's admiration has faded even though they, the leader's fallen wives, still have everything it takes to be who they are. 

Unfortunately, the people who admired these wise beautiful ladies don't know what to make of her as they watch her crawl, even gravel. Admirers turn to gawkers, as their arms become short, not knowing how to help, or if they can. They don't know what to say or do, so the now dusty queen retreats; the heartbreak of abandonment is wildly dizzying; and it is impossible for such women to rebound on their own. One has to know how to help them. One has to know how to approach them. Most do not and that's a real shame.  Just imagine such women, who have either worked their fingers to the bone or who have been handed everything, who now cannot even maintain a roof over their head. This should not be! They are single for the first time but this should not be a death sentence. There is a great deal of quality life to live after grey divorce for all women. I promise.

Nhat Crawford, author
Single For The First Time
Published by WestBow Press, 2014
Now Available

nhatcrawford@gmail.com

A Door Widow's Behavior

One of the saddest things to see is a hurting-trying-to-heal-woman on the prowl to “find love” because she’s afraid to even try this life alone after becoming what I call a Door Widow. She leaves a trail of hurt men behind her as she tosses away one man, after the next, looking for someone at least close to what she lost. Or, she ends up bleeding new blood herself because some man has gotten excited about her treasure, only to find it filled with cloudy gems and watery fineries-not truly ready to fulfill his needs-so he flips her over and tosses her away, too. 

            These aching ladies don’t need to be guilty of looking the part only. I'd say to them, 'Hey, if you are not ready to be a wife again, stay away from men who are looking for one. As for men who just want a good time, you can’t afford them either, not now, or ever!'

• The man that comes along with the nice house, like the one you no longer have, is a temptation. Sure. 
• The man that is willing and able to buy you what you can't buy for yourself now is tempting. Sure. 
• The nice man who will literally chauffeur you around is a relief. Sure. 

But if you are unable to give him a tit for his tat, you’d better find satisfaction in getting some exercise while walking to the bus stop, running to catch that train, or walking briskly to catch that taxicab, instead!

The enemies of Door Widows are varied and they are not playing games! Be careful! 

One of the disadvantages of gray divorce (especially for the church lady) is that, yes, you are like a plague for a hot minute. Most, or all of your friends just might have scattered, you’re likely broke, and your married girlfriends are banning you from their husbands now-since you no longer have one. And, God forbid, they lend their husbands to help you lift something or to drive your rented U-haul for moving. Many who you thought would help you won’t for fear that your situation will rub off on their optimum life. No one will tell you that honestly, but it’s the truth. Crazy! So, what's a newly single, mature woman to do?

Read more in this divorce survival guide for the woman who is Over Forty and Under Divorce!  

Nhat Crawford, author of

Single For The First Time, 

WestBow Press, 2014

nhatsbooks.com

Single For The First Time? Enjoy!

We all know the destruction of a long term marriage carries grief like nothing else does. We know also that a twenty-five year investment, that gets no return, is devastating. Sure. Worse yet, dragging a fifty-one year old body back onto the dating scene can be frightening. Of course!

So, You Lost Your Comfort Spot... at Fifty!

Before the walls of your comfortable existence blew away you likely felt it coming. Being settled into a thirty-five year marriage has comfort like being in the bathroom taking care of business without a worry in the world. No one wants to be disturbed there on the the ultimate comfort spot atop the ivory throne, for instance! I hope you get my drift without insult. Picture this: The tornado is coming! Sitting there, you feel the house shaking a bit, but you figure, surely it won’t be that bad. It’ll pass over.  Just let me finish what I’m doing for now. I’ll take my time, be thorough and then run—only if I have to. Obviously, you cannot run with pants around your ankles; you might shuffle along, do a little hopping... fumbling. But eventually you will fall. Once you’re on the floor trying to get up, the storm rushes beneath you snatching you up into a wild dizzying spin; your hind parts in the air! Debris is whirling and there is no ducking that will suffice. You’re getting clobbered and injured severely. Maybe the light of your life is being snuffed out, too. And, even if you manage to recover, you will never be the same, think the same, or respond the same. 

When I think of an unprepared, co-dependent older lady facing divorce, that’s one animated vision that comes to mind.  

Over the years this has been the case with grey divorcees, especially religious ones whose second husband was church. If you checked yourself deeply before, during or after your divorce, you actually saw this coming and failed to plan for it; you failed to protect your own best interest. As a result calamity has befallen you. You might have thought it was just your mind having unconscionable thoughts so you resisted such “devilish thoughts.” Yes! It was your mind and you should have followed it! But, since you might not have, hopefully   

SINGLE FOR THE FIRST TIME 

                                                 Over Forty Under Divorce 

 will help you with the important next steps toward thriving as a newly single, mature woman of today.

Nhat Crawford, author

Single For The First Time,

Published by WestBow Press, 2014

Your questions and comments are welcomed here!

 Feel free to contact Nhat: nhatcrawford@gmail.com

overfortyunderdivorce.blogspot.com

What About The Children of Your Gray Divorce? Part 2

The devastating experience of divorce against our children is a far cry from watching them fall down as toddlers and scrape their knee before we could run to them, or hold them when they cry over the death of their pet hamster. 

I know in my day, as a young mother, it broke my heart when my son came running in the house crying after discovering that his pet worm was dead along with his turtle that had died, too, after being exposed outside. He’d thoughtlessly left them on the deck, in the sun. I literally cried with him in my arms; it hurt me deeply to see him grieve so. I’ve hurt many a day over my hurting children. But, this… this divorce was the absolute worst unimaginable, unbearable thing to see them go through. No hug could soothe them and there were no right words. Prayers didn’t even seem to make any difference. Their hearts were broken and there was no human remedy. 

In the natural world, if someone offends a child in any way and the mother finds out, they’d better run for dear life. There is no woman like a mother who’s out to protect her child; someone might lose life or limb for getting in her way! As for me, I would have taken both life and limb for what my kids were going through but there was nothing I could do.

Although my children were legally adults, 18 and above, the heartbreak was the same. In the case of younger children, their brokenness is even more severe as their hearts are more tender. Their future becomes filled with blockages that will guarantee hinderences of certain kinds, if not dealt with directly, quickly. Along with the heartbreak comes:

•  Rejection;
•  Lonliness; 
• Vulnerability and 
• Low self-esteem (which primes kids for various kinds of victimizations up the road)
• Victims of drug abuse;
• Promiscuity;
• Low ambition;
• Relationship abuse;
• Etc.    
•  
• Divorce is remarkable as it relates to children. It alters their life severely. Don't ignore it!

Nhat Crawford, author

Single For The First Time, Over Forty Under Divorce

Published by WestBow Press, 2014 

nhatcrawford@gmail.com

What About The Children of Your Gray Divorce?

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Once we as parents decide to divorce, we also decide to erect a permanent block in front of our children that will cause them to struggle for the rest of their lives. They are stamped with a guarantee to struggle with depression, rejection, forgiveness, even healing, among other things—if they don’t get help. 

Let's face it, the two divorcing parents have caused a storm and the entire family is getting pummeled, even the teenage or adult children!

At the end of the storm, watching your children wade through all the gunk, has to be the hardest part of all of this. Especially if they were still living at home. How do you help them?  

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• Can you help your children while trying not to sink, yourself? There is another guarantee here and that is that each child will be affected differently;
• One will be furthest from shore, chin high in the blackest part of this;
• Another will be face-down, gurgling for breath with not much strength to turn himself over to see sunlight; to breathe in a breath of hope;
• Yet another will insist on walking along, matter-of-fact, stepping over the debris of the family destruction, with a belly full of tears and no real answer to speak of. And you won’t be able to tell if he came through this just fine or if he made a pact with time to explode somewhere, years down the road, alongside you!

http://www.blogher.com/dealing-divorce-adult 

Nhat Crawford, author

Single For The First Time, 

published by WestBow Press, 2014

nhatcrawford@gmail.com

Eight Must-Dos Now That You're Single For The First Time

 Knowing what to do and how is difficult for the newly widowed / divorced woman, especially when she's over forty. Whether she became a widow by door or by death, the questions are very often the same:

• What do I do with my life now? 
• How do I go it alone? 
• Where do I find the strength?

The first eight MUSTS, now that you're single for the first time, if doable for you, will infuse you with new life.

1.   Find your very own space and let NO ONE invade it. Why? Because you need uninterrupted space to think, re-discover or reinvent yourself. Sometimes, however, women are so exhausted and grief stricken, this #1 is not possible right away. In that case, she’d need to be in a safe, protected environment with a cropped select few people, perhaps her children. Rest may be the order for many months before energy comes to re-discover or to re-invent anything at all. Grief is exhausting and debilitating. Pick your space carefully.

2.   You must not date for at least a year

3.   Travel as far into the world as your courage will allow, as often as you can afford to

4.   After all the grief or bitterness has gone, dig deep into your experience and help a young married couple. It's been said that if your marriage fell apart you couldn't possibly tell another married couple anything. LIES. Because yours crumbled you have much that will help another (minus the attitude, please)

5.   Develop your own; discover foods you didn’t know you preferred; activities that make you feel strong and fulfilled, places you like to visit that make you smile and bring you peace

6.   Take up Public Speaking. It is an extreme strengthener and confidence builder

7.   Understand what it is to make money on your own and how to make it work for you

8.   Get to a place where you have total independence; no leaning on ANYONE for ANYTHING at all. PERIOD. Instead, you become a GIVER extraordinaire. 

Nhat Crawford, 
author of Single For The First Time, Over Forty Under Divorce, 2014
Published by WestBow Press 

Nhatcrawford@gmail.com
 

A Widow's Behavior

The other day I met a woman nearly fifty years old and single for the first time ever. She'd been married twice; the first time was fresh out of high school and a second time in her thirties, if I remember correctly. Her last marriage lasted twenty or more years until one day her husband died suddenly. She still wore her wedding rings and couldn't fathom a date with another man. 'How would I act on a date, or for that matter, any other social function where people are involved?' To hear her talk about the awkwardness of the adjustment allowed me to know just one of the countless women this book Single For The First Time was written for. We had a great conversation about widows and women experiencing divorce after being married all their adult lives. After suffering my own loss by way of the door; divorce, after 27 years, I decided to redefine the word Widow.

WIDOW: A WOMAN WHO HAS LOST HER HUSBAND BY DOOR OR BY DEATH. 

Nothing will throw you into a spiral like losing your husband. Nothing! How should a woman behave after such a loss? How should she live and present herself now? Is it really all that important?
In the book, I depict Divorce as an unjust judge that the widow, the alone woman, has to face in order to get back what was taken from her, in the interim, and there is a behavior that must accompany that or you will not win. I will tell you this... a widow, or divorced older woman's behavior, will be her salvation and better days will follow her very closely.

 A Widow's Behavior up-close:

• She exudes strength and courage despite what has befallen her;
• She's rowdy when need be... she's got to fight alone now, otherwise
• She's not quarrelsome... don't bother to answer too many questions, and entertain arguments about what you could and should have done differently, from onlookers;
• The law of kindness is on her tongue, gentleness is in her touch, mercy and compassion is what she hears amid the noise of those chattering about her new placement in life.

Over Forty Under Divorce

 

The world through the eyes of a woman facing the demise of her thirty-year marriage can be large, confusing, and cold. When you’re nearing age fifty and beyond, divorce is an occurrence that seldom finds you prepared emotionally, or financially, especially if you devoted your life to being his wife, and their mother. Regardless, a rare few do welcome the change, and hunker down for the challenge. These are likely to be the more independent, financially astute divorcees who will fare well regardless of marriage, or singlehood. For the average woman who settled into marriage for the long haul, being thrown out of her nest, and landing—splat!—face down onto a new, unyielding pavement, is death while breathing. That is not to say that financially independent women don’t hurt over the loss of their relationships, but let’s face it, money is a comforter. When you have little, or no money, that makes divorce, or the divorcer, a murderer whose punishment for killing you is never severe enough. 

Have you ever heard the story about the frog that was cooked in its own squat? We all know that frogs love water... one day, a frog found its way into a pot of water on someone’s stove and lazily relaxed inside it. Without noticing the frog, someone turned the eye on low under the pot in which the frog squatted. The water began to feel so good to the frog that it couldn’t move. In fact, the frog sunk lower into the water, relishing the warmth of it until all but its eyes was submerged. The warmth soon turned steaming hot as the temperature rose. Instead of jumping out of the water with its powerful hind legs, the frog was cooked in its own squat. Is this you? Was it you? Now what? Let's talk!