She, The Tree

Women have long since the beginning of time endured and overcome. Some have endured and succumbed. The changes that life bring can be a joy and a culprit; excitement and heartbreak, or these changes can serve as education and preparation!



When a woman is as snug as a bug in a rug, the stable warmth that surrounds her cannot be compared to anything else. I'm telling you there is nothing better; nothing like it, and once it is disturbed; rattled, or destroyed, a piece of that woman is, too. Her spirit is often crushed, compromised. Her soul wanders, changes, and sends out feelers often to wolves in sheep's clothing, and she has no idea. Of course the evil unseen plot is to finish the woman off as her grief aids this process along. Nothing bleeds like a broken heart, and, oh, how the wolves pick up the scent immediately!

How can a woman protect herself while weakened by grief?
How can she protect herself when she's never really had to before?

Now that she's been spotlighted and all enemies see her...
Now that she's been spotlighted and all her friends have run away... What is her next step?

• She must heal her own wounds lest the wolves of life lick them dry for her... Then she's indebted to them. 

• She must dry her weeping eyes lest they blind her to the harsh wall before her... A collision that could take her out for good. 

• She must welcome strength to her legs to walk the path before her... She must walk and not die on the path.

• She must live by what she knows to be true, not by what she feels and by what looks impossible today.

No matter what, the woman is spirit and it's in the spirit where she must dwell. Her empty purse is not the problem. Her bleeding heart isn't either. Not even her lonely nights, or the empty plate on the other side of the dinner table, is worthy much of complaining. Her spirit is her restart place; it must be re-built... re-loved... and yes, recruited by the love master that has been there all the time. She must not resist but move in trust and obedience. What has she got to lose? If she doesn't have that answer, she must at least know what she has to gain!

There has never been a majestic tree anywhere that didn't first grow for years beneath the ground, in moist darkness, as its roots spread sometimes for miles through crowds of other roots in the dirt, before it began its ascension to break through the earth as a sapling. Then within months, a few short years, it grew to be an unstoppable tree unlike any before it. The roots of a tree determines its stance, strength, and longevity. Think about that when it comes to you!


That's likened the woman in recovery. Preparation is often:

Dark (no outside interruptions there)

Dank (there's actually living waters nearby)

Dirty (no construction site is clean) and

Crowded (with many questions and temptations until you decide to quiet yourself and focus on the journey) but your outcome is majestic.


Only God can grow a tree they say. Let the One who made you, re-do and re-grow you. How?
Note the tree...

And, I suggest that you:
*Note Ruth...
*Note Leah...
*Note David...
*Note Daniel...
*Note Joseph...
*Note Proverbs...
*Note Sarah...
*Note Hagar...
*I don't know a better note than Jesus who never said a mumbling word...  He just knew.

Nhat Crawford, author

Dating Widows

After becoming single for the first time in my life, I concluded that a Widow's position was no different than mine had become.
In fact women who'd become single after the age of forty or fifty were actually Widows, too, who'd lost their husband by door or by death. He either walked out the door, or passed away. 
No doubt by age forty a woman has lived a lot, cried a lot, seen at least some of the world and knows what she wants, and what she doesn't. Her value system is solid. So, here she is now single. Perhaps she'd been married like I was... ALL of her adult life with NO CLUE about dating or getting to know someone before taking him on domestically. At nineteen, I was a "good church girl" who'd heard about marriage being the only way for long-term relationships.

The twenty-first century Gray Divorcee, or widowed woman, isn't always doing things yesterday-style. Dating is one of them.  
Remarrying is another. Today some door widows would rather not give it a go at all. Below is a list of things and manners to be considered when dating a Gray Divorcee, or Widow:

1. She may not want to date at all: Hey, we like each other enough. We fit. Let's just get married. I'm used to being settled and stable.

2. Don't hover over her. She's free for the first time [in a long time] and it tastes pretty good. Look, you might have needs, but I'm looking at mine right now. I'll get to yours in a minute. I'm still prioritizing.

3. Many times she will appear to be confused. She doesn't know what she wants anymore. No man wants that. She loves the new view from the Single perspective, but needs the security he can offer. I like him. I want to be with him but I prefer my cake and his frosting. How about a compromise? Can't we share the cake? I'll take two thirds...

4. She will NOT tolerate disrespect. She's still reeling from being ousted from a marriage she thought would never end. You can say Boo! to her and she will take your head off! Be careful guys!


5. Her esteem has been so damaged, SHE WILL tolerate disrespect. Be careful ladies because it's only a desperate woman who tolerates abuse of any kind. Disrespect is abusive. Go get healed first and leave dating alone! You're not ready!

6. She may have an overwhelming urge to be satisfied with her own independence instead. It's hard to date and get to know a forty-something year old who's acting like someone fresh out of college. She's on a mission to find who she lost in her marriage, or something! Walk away from her and save yourself some frustration!

7. Believe it or not, there are some Widows today that only want to date and have fun as long as they can! Immature? Hmm...

Wounded Woman of Worth

Out of all the things to avoid after experiencing trauma, I'd say that recurrence tops the list. Woman-wounds occur because of life's twists and turns; divorce over forty being among the greatest of them. 
 Yes, unfortunately, divorce is as common as birth and death these days, but that does not stop the injury that women suffer after they've matured to a level where their value is dependent upon their marital union, only to have it dissolve like sand running through her now empty splayed hands. 

• What becomes important after this? Healing, of course. 
• What is the next step? Preserving this woman's worth, of course. 
• But isn't she still wounded; scarred? Yes, of course.

Nhat Crawford, author

I can easily lay out a list of suggestions that I think a woman should do in this case. In fact I have in my book Single For The First Time. However, as life would have it, storms come. The trick is not to die in its throes. Grey divorce wounds weaken the spirit and drives the woman into great despair, way too often, but there is healing for her worth; there is healing for her spirit. How?

Grace.

It is an enabler; it empowers. It is not just something whereby you are forgiven for some sin you will no doubt commit while in a low place. When I think about the period of time Jesus walked the earth, he was obviously fairly good looking, owned his own business, was a top-notch public speaker, was extremely confident in himself, his purpose and his God, and hung around women as often as he did men, I'm impressed that he still did not miss his mark. His life and focus is a testament to how Grace works. I truly believe that Grace becomes a main ingredient for the recovery of the wounded woman because her worth is still in tact, but she can scarcely see it anymore. She no longer sees it as the thing necessary to live out her purpose. Jesus, the great example, was covered with the grace of his father, our father God Almighty and it kept him focused no matter what life threw at him.

There are many things that await a mature woman who was otherwise ready and eager to hit the ground running once her house... her nest becomes empty. They vary from new enlightening opportunities to miserable failures. She could venture out on a new career, a business, a ministry, even a lucrative hobby. Her confidence is high and her husband will back her. Hallelujah! Or not. See, she never planned on being single this time in life. When discouragement comes, too often self worth goes riding out on the back of newly formed wounds. This does not have to be. A mature woman needs to be a wise women, traumatized, or not.


Wisdom.

After a few years into Grey Singleness I was nearly completely convinced that I could not possibly live out what was in the Bible. Proverbs and Psalms became comforting and the only instructor I had, at least; but it just wouldn't pay the darn rent, or buy groceries! I was getting frightened and feeling less and less like the vision I'd always seen of myself. The vision I'd always believed I was born to live out. I'd also begun to feel like all the great prophesies over my life drifted off to another. How could I be the woman spoken of in these prophetic frames? I longed to be a woman of Wisdom. The Bible had told me somewhere that Wisdom came by asking. I'd asked and asked. I begged, even. No Wisdom. Then low and behold I learned something. As empty as I was after the agony of divorce I was prime to be filled with something else. Surely I could be filled with Wisdom now, right? Not really. Not yet because my method wasn't working. Perhaps my attitude was off? No, my knowledge was!

 Remember, I'd lamented that the Bible just wasn't cutting it for me anymore (it's amazing what wounds and discouragement will do). In more recent days as my woes of divorce are a distant memory, I now know that Jesus studied the word, was filled to the brim with it, then BECAME it. He became Wisdom! A wounded spirit cries. Let it cry for Wisdom then give it want it wants: Read it, be Filled with it, Become it.

nhatcrawford@gmail.com

Twitter/nhattheghost

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Purchase your copy at: nhatsbooks.com

More Than A Statistic?

Nhat Crawford, author
Single For The First Time

Statistics confirm that those born between 1946 and 1964 (Baby Boomers) are more likely to face economic, health, and social disadvantages if they are not married. 

Yet this same demographic is more likely to become divorced than any other. Hmph! Does this mean that unmarried people are at a disadvantage? According to studies, Yes! In 2009 "they" found that 20% of grey divorcees were poor compared to only 4% of married people in the same age bracket. The U.S. Census also found that over the past forty years there's been a steady increase in divorces of people between 45 and 63, which means you're looking at an increase in health problematic citizens. Admittedly, this is scary! On the other hand people are living longer, women are looking and feeling better as they age today like never before. Look at Jane Fonda, Raquel Whelch, Ernestine Shepherd, and a lady I know personally named Tee Garlington, (Single at 70+) for starters.

I respect the census, I just don't believe we have to be a statistic. 

Upon getting divorced my lifestyle vanished into thin air. The only way I'd known to live was gone and I didn't know how to get even a portion of it back for my single self. Instead of a home in an enclave, I got a dank apartment in a basement. Instead of a Ford or a Mercedes Benz to drive, I walked or caught buses and trains. Instead of Kaiser Permenente I had a choice pick of clinics for the poor, or for those without insurance (The Good Samaritan is a good one, by the way). Instead of being healthy and vibrant, I became ill, weak and exhausted, and without insurance that could've been a death sentence, in fact it almost was, more than once for me.

  This new life was too much to be introduced to at forty-six years old! I had become a statistic amazingly fast! 

The speed at which I sank choked the life out of me and I was losing my ability to think or be creative. 'How do I find my way back home?' I wondered. Home had to be redefined. I thought I knew. As a newly single, over forty-year old, the first rediscovery is Home. Where is it and how do I keep it and protect it from sliding into statistics?

I wondered what direction to run to to get furthest away from the statistic that says I'll be forever poor, forever ill, and worst… forever alone.

I learned a great deal when I was a wife, learned even more when I became a mother, etc. But no lessons could compare to the ones that rose up to meet me as I relocated to Statistic Lane and Census Cove in the city of The Disadvantaged that sat in the northern region of Single. My new 'home' was a Vortex that wanted to keep me, but I could not settle in. Instead, I treated it like a temporary place in time. It started in my thinking then I had to get creative… and I still am!

I found that there was no specific time period to remain at the disadvantage point because of the things you bump into while navigating your way out.

 Staying healthy was the very FIRST thing I realized I had to focus on. Health was my new wealth. I could survive the bumps, the mistakes, the gnawing poverty as long as I was strong and on top of my health. 

Know this: Your health, the company you keep, the thoughts you think and the decisions you make will keep you in or take you out of being a statistical finding.

www.prb.org (search Late Life Divorce)



Nhat Crawford, author

Nhatcrawford@gmail.com

http://nhatsbooks-com.3dcartstores.com

The Truth Still

Recently, I was out of town at a book signing and was staying at the home of a relative. While there I picked a book off her shelf by Myles Monroe and leafed through it, stopping at gems along the way. I read something that struck me, and I immediately received into my belief system. Excited, I tempered it and couldn't wait to share it with you:

Dating While "Gray" - Part Two

Has it occurred to you that dating after gray divorce just might not be the thing to do?

Single For The First Time : Dating While Gray - Part One

Single For The First Time : Dating While Gray - Part One