What About The Children of Your Gray Divorce? Part 2

The devastating experience of divorce against our children is a far cry from watching them fall down as toddlers and scrape their knee before we could run to them, or hold them when they cry over the death of their pet hamster. 

I know in my day, as a young mother, it broke my heart when my son came running in the house crying after discovering that his pet worm was dead along with his turtle that had died, too, after being exposed outside. He’d thoughtlessly left them on the deck, in the sun. I literally cried with him in my arms; it hurt me deeply to see him grieve so. I’ve hurt many a day over my hurting children. But, this… this divorce was the absolute worst unimaginable, unbearable thing to see them go through. No hug could soothe them and there were no right words. Prayers didn’t even seem to make any difference. Their hearts were broken and there was no human remedy. 

In the natural world, if someone offends a child in any way and the mother finds out, they’d better run for dear life. There is no woman like a mother who’s out to protect her child; someone might lose life or limb for getting in her way! As for me, I would have taken both life and limb for what my kids were going through but there was nothing I could do.

Although my children were legally adults, 18 and above, the heartbreak was the same. In the case of younger children, their brokenness is even more severe as their hearts are more tender. Their future becomes filled with blockages that will guarantee hinderences of certain kinds, if not dealt with directly, quickly. Along with the heartbreak comes:

•  Rejection;
•  Lonliness; 
• Vulnerability and 
• Low self-esteem (which primes kids for various kinds of victimizations up the road)
• Victims of drug abuse;
• Promiscuity;
• Low ambition;
• Relationship abuse;
• Etc.    
•  
• Divorce is remarkable as it relates to children. It alters their life severely. Don't ignore it!

Nhat Crawford, author

Single For The First Time, Over Forty Under Divorce

Published by WestBow Press, 2014 

nhatcrawford@gmail.com

What About The Children of Your Gray Divorce?

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Once we as parents decide to divorce, we also decide to erect a permanent block in front of our children that will cause them to struggle for the rest of their lives. They are stamped with a guarantee to struggle with depression, rejection, forgiveness, even healing, among other things—if they don’t get help. 

Let's face it, the two divorcing parents have caused a storm and the entire family is getting pummeled, even the teenage or adult children!

At the end of the storm, watching your children wade through all the gunk, has to be the hardest part of all of this. Especially if they were still living at home. How do you help them?  

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• Can you help your children while trying not to sink, yourself? There is another guarantee here and that is that each child will be affected differently;
• One will be furthest from shore, chin high in the blackest part of this;
• Another will be face-down, gurgling for breath with not much strength to turn himself over to see sunlight; to breathe in a breath of hope;
• Yet another will insist on walking along, matter-of-fact, stepping over the debris of the family destruction, with a belly full of tears and no real answer to speak of. And you won’t be able to tell if he came through this just fine or if he made a pact with time to explode somewhere, years down the road, alongside you!

http://www.blogher.com/dealing-divorce-adult 

Nhat Crawford, author

Single For The First Time, 

published by WestBow Press, 2014

nhatcrawford@gmail.com

Eight Must-Dos Now That You're Single For The First Time

 Knowing what to do and how is difficult for the newly widowed / divorced woman, especially when she's over forty. Whether she became a widow by door or by death, the questions are very often the same:

• What do I do with my life now? 
• How do I go it alone? 
• Where do I find the strength?

The first eight MUSTS, now that you're single for the first time, if doable for you, will infuse you with new life.

1.   Find your very own space and let NO ONE invade it. Why? Because you need uninterrupted space to think, re-discover or reinvent yourself. Sometimes, however, women are so exhausted and grief stricken, this #1 is not possible right away. In that case, she’d need to be in a safe, protected environment with a cropped select few people, perhaps her children. Rest may be the order for many months before energy comes to re-discover or to re-invent anything at all. Grief is exhausting and debilitating. Pick your space carefully.

2.   You must not date for at least a year

3.   Travel as far into the world as your courage will allow, as often as you can afford to

4.   After all the grief or bitterness has gone, dig deep into your experience and help a young married couple. It's been said that if your marriage fell apart you couldn't possibly tell another married couple anything. LIES. Because yours crumbled you have much that will help another (minus the attitude, please)

5.   Develop your own; discover foods you didn’t know you preferred; activities that make you feel strong and fulfilled, places you like to visit that make you smile and bring you peace

6.   Take up Public Speaking. It is an extreme strengthener and confidence builder

7.   Understand what it is to make money on your own and how to make it work for you

8.   Get to a place where you have total independence; no leaning on ANYONE for ANYTHING at all. PERIOD. Instead, you become a GIVER extraordinaire. 

Nhat Crawford, 
author of Single For The First Time, Over Forty Under Divorce, 2014
Published by WestBow Press 

Nhatcrawford@gmail.com