Single For The First Time : Gremlins In My Belly!

Single For The First Time : Gremlins In My Belly!: The Long Grey Divorce Walk There is always room for help to those in the throes of Grey Divorce  where shock abounds. As you're slo...

Gremlins In My Belly!

 

The Long Grey Divorce Walk

There is always room for help to those in the throes of Grey Divorce where shock abounds. As you're slogging about, numbed by the disruption of a life that was supposed to be forever… until 'death do us part'… it looks grim. Twenty, thirty years of marriage investment, even longer for some, gone in the firey puff of one decision. And, you weren't prepared.

They say that a person's placement in life is their own doing; that they put themselves right in the midst of the divorce… the breakup… or any other malformed occurrence in one's life. If life is a struggle, it's their own fault. If life is glorious, that's their own doing, too - they say. For a long while, I disagreed with this. It made no sense to me. I figured this conclusion came from mere over-zealous self-help stuff. I was stuck on blaming my outward forces; my introspection was limited.

"Nope. Sorry! Tell that to someone who doesn't know better," I argued.
"I was thrown into divorce. I didn't ask for it," I sadly sang.
"I'm displaced because of him," I had cried.
"I'm poor because of him!" I shouted.
"My life's calling has been disrupted because he threw me away to struggle on my own,"I cried some more.
"I didn't do this to myself, he did!" I complained.
"I'm without a home because of him," I thought.
"I live at rock bottom all because of his decision. He put me here!"

Those were the cries of the frightened lost soul I'd become and I've heard other grey divorcees chant the same. As for me, I actually believed those accusations and spewed them for a long time. Those thoughts encircled my mind and nearly smothered me to death. Whatever I could no longer do was because he'd taken away my cushion, my provision, my stability and devastated my children in the interim. I was convinced!

That was my mantra. Period. Then one day I woke up.

Wow! How mentally ill I'd become because my attention had turned towards me, my and mine. I'd been thrusted into a maze and didn't know which direction to try first to escape. But, while standing there, confused, sulking, I was forced inward and found my own faulty gremlins rejoicing inside my belly because they'd won! After further self-observation it occurred to me that they couldn't claim total victory because I was, after all, still standing.

When any of us find ourselves at an impasse, the very first thing we MUST do, is find how we contributed. 

It's an imperative that we cannot circumvent. If we do, we are subject to die like a dog for no good reason in the midst of an already gross disruption in life. It's likely that we will not have to search that deep or wide to find ourselves at the core of the problem!

Your spouse can be 80% at fault, but it's probably your 20% that tipped it over.

No fair? It doesn't really matter, unfortunately. In the struggle against death (which is what divorce mimics), fairness flies away as present reality demands all of our attention. In this case, kill pride, face yourself, bow down and heal slowly and thoroughly. If you don't, your unhealed thought life, or decision making, will impede your progress. Up ahead there lies the new person you'll become, so be deliberate.

~~~

What you do today…

How you handle the real truth about your fault in your marital demise…

The words that leave your mouth… 

These fill your new world, affects your future, and how well it goes for you. Who you will become rides on these!  

~~~

Grey Divorce can feel like the end of the world, but it isn't. It's just the end of the world YOU had grown accustomed to. I tell you, once I was out here - in Single Land - I found it to be massive, cold and nearly impossible to navigate through. Too many women lose their way there and are never found whole again. Their view becomes misted with fear and all else that is wrong with this new world. The easiest thing for a grey divorcee to do, after being tossed out on her bum, is to spin out of control, dizzy, because she doesn't know what's right anymore.

She likely doesn't know that the first thing she must do is protect herself and keep the rest of her life from being ill-judged and toppled over.

How in the world does a new "grey head" do that? Here's how: Read, pray and listen… A LOT (for starters!). Counseling, too? Of course! 

On this journey from marriage and co-dependency, to first-time singleness, I've done just that. After a few years living divorced, I even wrote a book [that I hadn't seen in bookstores; one that would serve as a handbook of sort to get other over-forty first-time divorcees through the maze], entitled: Single For The First Time. I'm happy to report that the book has become an invaluable key to enlighten women spiritually, emotionally - for starters - after the death of their long-term marriages.

~~

Nhat Crawford

nhatsbooks.com

Here's a quote from one of Wallace D. Wattles' books that blew me away, then brought me back!:

 "You have nothing to keep right but yourself; if you keep yourself right, nothing can possibly go wrong with you and you have nothing to fear. No business or other disaster can come upon you if your personal attitude is right, for you are a part of that which is increasing and advancing and you must increase and advance with it…. If you see the world as a lost and ruined thing you will see yourself as a part of it, and as partaking of its sins and weaknesses. If your outlook for the world as a whole is hopeless, your outlook for yourself cannot be hopeful."

This quote was a game changer for me. As grey divorcees, we are way too old, too seasoned to stagnate ourselves in victimization. Look inside, find it, learn what this world has for you as an individual, then live!

   Next, I read: 

"If you see the world as declining toward it's end, you cannot see yourself as advancing. Unless you think well of all the works of God you cannot really think well of yourself, and unless you think well of yourself you can never become great."

The point is, women who have been discarded, or have felt as if they have been, must think well of themselves regardless, all the while remaining humble, in order to reach the greatness that is still theirs. Realizing her errors is a victory, not an encumbrance to offend her, or weigh her down. Humility, not anger, will open up this new world to share its wonders and welcome her aboard.

Yes, people are talking and bringing up your past - your calamity. But, hey, deal with it. They've seen you fall so what else do you expect them to do? They will talk! Perhaps, they've seen you living poorly in your time of transition. Your mistakes and patting to find your way in the dark was done before their eyes and became gossip material for them. Now, make it a point to live well, too, right before their eyes. And, if at all possible, don't stay down too long after you've searched yourself and found hidden peccadillo gremlins within! That was all in the past. You made wrong decisions and it costed you. Own them, first. Discard them next. Be better and move on. If the past wasn't meant to be gotten over, the world would hang motionless in the universe. But, instead, it is an ever revolving mass of life and reproduction. So must you be, too. Just keep walking with your sights toward the light up ahead!

Selah

There's no feeling like getting an email, Facebook inbox message, or phone call from a woman whose seen or heard of my book, Single For The First Time, asking how they can get a copy because their husband of thirty years wants a separation, or divorce. It's heartbreaking. Where is this epidemic spawning from? Is it from deep within the wife? Has she become slack in her femininity, or something? Perhaps her eyes have become dim and she no longer sees her husband's needs, or his wandering eye. Maybe the light's gone from his eyes, and he wants to be alone. Bored maybe? What if he's just tired and wants a change of scenery. Who the heck knows?

But, there is a harsh reality that I do know: Women over forty, married and content had better learn that, no matter how lovely, nothing lasts forever. Have your personal ducks in a row so that life won't wipe you out should you have to go it alone. Period.

'Oh, Lord! Nhat, how dare you say such a thing! And you call yourself a God fearing woman?!' 

Yes, ma'am and sir, I sure am a God loving, trusting, and fearing woman who lives in a fallen world surrounded by arms of flesh that fail every day. When my arms of flesh walked out the door my ducks were not in a row. Heck, I didn't even have any ducks, so I thought.

Look, I know that women these days are a lot more savvy; they're career focused (after their family, I hope), co-partners in business with their spouse; even the stay-at-home moms are taking on virtual jobs, and the like, to earn a little something between chores and the responsibilities of marriage. The truth is, it is smart to put some focus on self-care and self-love. That includes income… savings… investments… something!

 One day you just might have to carry yourself. You may even have to carry your husband. Stuff happens! Roles switch!
 (Sometimes, right before walking out the door)

This is not a day and time for wives to trade duties for financial stability. I'm not always sure if women who get such horrible news are working women, or at least a contributor of more than food, sex and cleaning, but I do know that a man wants to be able to differentiate his wife from his kids. They all have their breaking point. We all do.

Would I say to the nearing fifty marrieds, 'Don't get too comfortable'? Uh, yes. I'd be bold enough to say that. 

The only comfort you should relish in is making sure you're working as hard and as smart as he is. God forbid, he isn't! Stay practiced. I don't care if you're the good Christian, the devoted Buddist, the unsure Agnostic, or the apathetic Atheist. The matter here is being a woman whose life could change by the whim of your man's emotions that you will not be able to figure out on your own. Fortify YOURSELF, first. If being first is good enough for a plane ride-- you know, when the flight attendant tells you to put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF FIRST, then your child, or neighbor-- then this principle will work well for you in life. Besides, helping you, helps you to help him. Selah.

Copies available - Nhatsbooks.com
Nhatcrawford@gmail.com